February 2, 2016 ~ Be More Healthy

This post was supposed to be posted last January 28, 2016, but I guess i wasn’t able to complete the posting at that time, so I added a little revisions…

Being more healthy, in body, in spirit and in mind. One of the many resolutions that I have promised myself. So far, I think I have lived this resolution successfully…

I have been exercising a lot recently… Feeling healthier physically. Trying to shed all the holiday weight that I have gained. But my body isn’t the only thing I have been exercising. I have also began working on my tolerance and letting go.

Exercise or working out isn’t something I look forward to. I like doing it, but at the same time, I also resent it… but everybody knows one must endure it. The same thing goes with exercising tolerance and really knowing of how to let go. Recently I have been faced with experiences and situations where in the old me would just blow up and walk away. This has happened not only in my relationship with Yin, but also in my relationships with my family and work. Some people say I have a big ego, and as hard as i try to deny it, maybe they are right. That being said, it is hard for me to push myself to accept different views and opinions besides mine. Recently I have pushed myself into learning to accept and respect.

It has not been easy, but I think I have offended less and less people around me. I feel good about it, just like how one would feel after a hard day at the gym. A sigh of relief and another day of working out to dread. LOL!

All of these still doesn’t come naturally to me, but I believe this is a good start. I shall keep pushing myself and I shall keep on enduring… I hope this is the year that the I let all the bad slide away and all the good stick.

Keep Fighting… Keep Enduring…

– Yang

December 30, 2105 ~Moments of Weakness

It’s been over a year since I last wrote anything in this page. There is a reason. 2015 has not gone how I expected it to be… It was a roller coaster ride, and not the fund kind too… Now I’m writing to with my original goal in mind. To become a better person.

Just so that you know, I’m not as strong as I say I am. Yin and I got back together a month after we broke up. Shit happened (shit that I don’t want to think back to) and I found out that Yin was still there for me. He still truly loved me. That’s why against all logic, I gave in.

Sadly, I am not a man who forgives easily. I tried to convince myself that I am a forgiving person, but after a year I realized that forgiveness is not forgiveness if you don’t learn to forget. Of course, not learning to forget goes hand in hand with not learning to trust again.

2015 has been hell for Yin. I know that, I have honestly cheated on him quite a few times justifying my actions be saying to myself, “I’m sure he also cheats on you, why not just level the playing ground?” That’s the reason I was able to stomach the things I have been doing. Again there came another breaking point last November 2015 (I am having way too much breaking points and I think this is a big problem of mine). Then again shit happened and he was the one there for me even if I have turned my back to him on a time he really needed me. Someone told me that I should learn to be contented with what I had. I used to think I was, but I guess I wasn’t. And I think it’s time I do.

I will be updating this journal monthly, at least. I hope writing on this blog can help me reflect on my actions and my inner thoughts. I also hope Yin reads this so he can know how I function better and maybe understand things that I couldn’t say in person.

So, I am marching towards 2016 with the following resolutions in mind:

  1. Be More Healthy – In Body, In Spirit and In Mind
  2. Learn to Forgive (and to Forget)… (and to Trust)
  3. Learn to Appreciate People Around You
  4. Be Less Vindictive
  5. Loyalty and Fidelity are Different But it Should Come Together
  6. Always Humble Myself
  7. Endure Tough Times
  8. Control My Temper
  9. Balance Logic and Emotions
  10. Respect Views Different Than Mine

I shall write about these resolutions in separate entries so that I could discuss them in detail. Hopefully, it could also serve as a reminder for myself, whenever I feel lost or stray from my path.

I am not sure if anyone will read this, and if there is anyone who does, I hope you don’t allow this life to break who you are. Happy New Year to all!

 

– Yang

December 27, 2014 ~ End of the Line

I used to believe in forever… I used to believe that somethings are not meant to end…

Finally realised that all things do come to an end… and that forever is just a lie that people say to escape the reality that is called an end.

My dad told me that on their wedding night, he told my mom,” Finally, I’m yours.” and my mom replied,” The only time you’ll be mine is if you’re already buried six feet under.” I used to think that this was such an unromantic thing to say especially on one’s wedding night. 4 years after, they got annulled and are now estranged.

Love doesn’t last forever.

This October, I found out that Yin has been cheating on me for over a year already. Not a relationship, just casual sex with a lot of other guys. How did it feel? Honestly, I already knew for a long time that this was happening. I guess I just chose to deny it to myself that the love of my life which I give everything to can cheat on me. I guess not only am I a jerk, but I’m also a big fool.

Of course I tried to fix it.  You think after writing a blog for someone then I’d just suddenly give up? LOL! He told me he will always have that hunger for other guys, and I have to admit, I do to… I guess it’s natural. we kept looking for ways to curb this “appetite” just the way working out does it for me. We had a lot of arrangements, a lot of rules. Even resulting to twisted arrangements just to fix this problem.

It went well for a month, I was slowly convincing myself that sex is just a sport that I can add to my repertoire. Then it dawned on me. Yin wasn’t able to follow one singe rule – “Never Cheat!”. So how the f&%k can he follow tons of them.

This was when I started turning bitter. Turning dark and twisted. Becoming more and more of a jerk. A serial asshole. I treated him like dirt. Reminded him that he doesn’t deserve me until I finally broke.

December 27, 2014, I finally decided to break up with him. For real this time. It felt like it was already the right time for it. New year will come soon and I want it to be a new chance, for the both of us. When I did it, I felt right. I get a few suicide warnings every now and then but I already told his family about us and asked them to take care of him for me since I’m no longer “his” yang.

Now I’m eating breakfast and writing this. feeling calm… at peace… and he messaged me,” You are free I love you”

A deep sense of calmness swept over me. I know this is what’s good for my and it feels the same way.

I hope 2015 comes in with a new hope. I hope it comes with more laughter and more fun!

It is the end of the line for 2014. I can say the say for Yin and Yang.

2015, I soooo look forward to you.

Rest In Peace

May 23, 2010 (1:30 am) – December 27, 2014 (6:55 am)

Yin                      –                      Yang

– Yang

October 10, 2014 ~ A Poem For Yin

It’s been a while since I have last written anything…

I guess a broken heart has ignited the inner poet in me…

A Poem For Yin
By: Yang

It’s sad that you think for me breaking up is easy.
It breaks my heart that I have to hurt you for me.

Yes. My heart is made of stone, I can utter hurtful words to show my belief.
But nothing I say should hurt, as all is said to spare you grief.

I’d take a bullet for you, acted strong even when I’m not.
What i couldn’t take was when you’re the one taking the shot.

I guess you forgot that even the toughest rock crumbles.
Now it’s too late, my heart’s already in shambles.

You diagnosed me sick of serial negativity.
Neglecting that I speak only the truth in this reality.

Nothing I said to you was wrong, nor was it detrimental.
I simply couldn’t get why you focused on what you thought was homicidal.

Do you really think I say these things to hurt you purposely?
Don’t you think it’s possible you paid attention to a rose only when it’s thorny?

Tell me now, between these choices pick one and choose.
Would you rather on a thorn be pricked than be hung on a noose?

So you think that I am one that is arrogant and cruel.
But may I ask, who stood by you when your fire needed fuel?

You tell me I’m too full of myself, ignoring your language of gratitude.
But seriously, what did you do that I simply failed to include?

I’m not a bad person and I’m a kick-ass partner.
But all you see in me is a bigot and a sinner.

What you fail to see is how you make my heart shatter.
Every time I try to show you the way yet you call me a monster.

So now the end has come, after four years that’s gone by.
I love you, dear Yin, but alas, this is goodbye.

February 22, 2014 ~ Fighting Your Battles

Everything and everybody breaks…

 

 

 

This was the post I never planned to write… but I need to let this out… It’s a burden that is slowly crushing me…

 

 

 

To anyone who reads this… I’m sorry… I just need to explode somewhere…

 

 

 

We finally had that much awaited vacation we were planning… It didn’t go as planned…

If you follow this blog, then you know that I’m currently having trouble with finances… I honestly don’t have that much left in my bank account but I decided that this will be the first valentines we will be spending on an actual vacation. He knew about my status financially and he asked me if I can shoulder the expenses first up until his payday which will be the second day of our trip. There was no problem for me since we agreed to split the bill and he will return me the money when his paycheck arrives. Also, I was expecting a valentines day surprise from Yin… Wrong move…

I was super excited when we got to Kalibo. We spent the day waking and seeing the sights in Kalibo… Im trying to enjoy and spend as we please and trying not to worry about the dwindling finances. Yin requested if we can buy a 1.5L softdrink to take back to the hotel and of course I gladly obliged. His currently has allergies and he said that it was itching. We then looked for a drugstore to buy some medicine and I bought him an expensive soap for our stay since his skin was sensitive and regular soap might make his conditions worse. He nagged me about buying the expensive soap and that is was not necessary. In my point of view, I am doing something special for you, why can’t you at least say thank you. But I let it go… This is a vacation, I will not ruin it with petty feelings… Then we walked out of the drugstore and a stranger suddenly asked for the 1.5L softdrink he was carrying and he suddenly gave it away! Talk about lecturing me to not spend too much and giving away what wasn’t his to give away. But then again, it was just coke… Good vibes… It is a vacation. We then went to rest for a bit in the hotel before heading out to the wonderful Bakhawan Eco Park which featured a man-made mangrove forest which was beautiful! After that we then agreed to return to the hotel to freshen up and rest for a bit before heading out again to explore the streets at night. He ended up sleeping so I waited for him to wake up. After around 4 hours of waiting (around 9:00pm), I just decided to rest myself. This was when he finally woke up and told me to get up (around 10:00pm) so we can explore. I thought that it was already too late and apologized and told him I am in no condition to explore and that he should go and explore if he really wants to, then I went to bed.

The next day, we headed to Boracay. The island was beautiful. I loved how it changed from morning to night. It transforms into a completely different place. Yin’s family is coming in tomorrow and I knew that today will be our only chance to enjoy the activities that I want to do in boracay. Sadly, Yin just didn’t let me. He wanted to do some exploring and walking since he thinks the activities are too pricy. Honestly, before coming here, I have researched on the prices of activities and the prices given to us were reasonable and I have a skin condition myself on the sole of my right foot and it hurts to walk on the sand in flip flops. Then again I know that walking and exploring was Yin’s idea on how to enjoy boracay so I went along with it hoping that we can do some activities during the afternoon. After exploring, I finally got him to agree to try reef walking with me (last thing I want to do in boracay but he agreed because it was affordable) but just as we were about to leave the hotel room, he had this crazy idea of getting a permanent tattoo right then and there. So instead of doing the activity, we ended up exploring again to look for a good tattoo place. The tattoo artist told us to get the tattoo on our last day since we won’t be able to swim in the beach and play in the sun once we got the tattoo. I agreed to getting tattoos but I haggled that we do it on our last day since I want to enjoy boracay but he insisted on getting it done tonight. So even though I knew I will be completely wasting boracay (since we can get the ink done in manila) I gave in since I wanted to make valentines day (Yes, it was February 14, 2014 then) special for him. We got inked (Oh! I got a Yin Yang tattoo as a reminder of how much I love him, I just told him that it was reminding me of balance). I was planning on partying that night after the tattoo but our friend who also happened to be in bora was still in a meeting and the tattoo hurt like hell and it drained all the energy out of us. So we just had dinner somewhere and called it a night. He paid his share of the previous days that night since his paycheck came. What kept bugging me was not the finances anymore. What kept bugging me is that Yin never agreed to what I wanted to do because it was pricy yet when it was his turn to want something he did everything to do it then and there even if it cost us 4x as much (he basically spent all the money he had left and basically from this point on, Yin didn’t have any money left which I made him believe he still had so that he can keep enjoying Boracay without him worrying that I’ll spend too much for him) and it was something we can do in the city! Then again it was valentines day.

The next day, I ended up staining the sheets with the ink that was seeping out of my skin (normal for a fresh tattoo) and had to cough up cash which was not cheap. Yin kept insisting that it was small money and I should not think about it when it cost more than the activities that I wanted to do. His family then came to meet us and instead of enjoying the beach, we then had to do all that we did yesterday all over again with his family. During late afternoon I have convinced his whole family to join me on a parao (a sailboat) tour of boracay. Thankfully, his sister paid for their share and I still had some money left to spend for our last day tomorrow. We had dinner as a family which I kind of regret since I believe the cost was too high for the food, but then again it was boracay so I let it go. During the evening, Yin wanted to play in the beach so we went there and despite my dislike of getting sandy at that time, I ended up lying on the sand. Although I admit, it was relaxing lying in the sand gazing at the stars.

That late evening, I wanted to meet up with our friend to get drinks to loosen up unwind and enjoy boracay at night. But when I opened the plan, he lectured me on why I wanted to go drinking and that he never knew me as the one who wanted to go out for drinks. GEEZ! It was boracay and boracay is famous for its nightlife! Plus I wanted to destress. So despite his resistance I told him, if you dont want to go out drinking you can stay with your family, I’ll go out with our friend and get to enjoy my last night here in boracay the way I want to. It was then he agreed to go. I hope we just didn’t go. When we were out drinking and loosening up, he kept telling me off on how I should behave and how to do this and how to do that until in the end I just said, screw it, let’s go home. Luckily, our friend also needed to go home early so we called it a night. Then again my thoughts on this, I was just having fun and our friend was enjoying too. I wanted to scream and shout and party, but I wasn’t allowed to… Our friend told me that he was really happy to have went out and it had been so long since he last loosened up like that. Glad he enjoyed, I didn’t, but again I had to let go… It was a vacation after all.

Upon returning to the hotel room, I wanted to end the night with a bang and do something sexy… HAHAHA! I ended up with a tired arm and a sleeping Yin… Talk about Boracay nightlife! LOL!

The next day, at around 6 am, there was a loud banging on the door. I nearly screamed at the person there since I had a terrible night. When I found out that it was Yin’s younger sister, I was able to hold back and asked Yin to deal with her. Which Yin didn’t but she finally left us to rest, so I locked the door and went back to my slumber.

After breakfast, we decided to go to Puca Beach with his family and we agreed to meet up for lunch and leave for Puca Beach after eating. We then decided to start preparing to leave as we need to checkout from the hotel before lunch. It was then Yin asked for some sexy time. I was still annoyed with how sexy time ended last night so I kind of didn’t want to. But i try never to say no to him when he asks for it since we do have a semi-long distance relationship and moments like this are rare so I gave in. After the act, It was then when I was questioned why I don’t “yearn” for him as much as I did before. It was then that I wanted to explode and tell him that I wasn’t in the mood for a reason (hint: this blog entry). But again good vibes… Vacation is not over yet. After a great lunch prepared by his dad, His family failed to assemble for Puca Beach and after waiting for everybody for around 2 hours, I decided to look for things to do so that we don’t waste our last day in Boracay. I was able to get a great deal on an ATV ride, relationship padlock tradition on the peak of Boracay (I don’t know what to call it, it is the locking of a padlock on the fence on the peak of boracay), sky cycling and a trip to the trick art museum. So I brought Yin there and enjoyed what was left of our Boracay trip. I had fun on that last day, but still I was not able to do what I came here to do. It was now time to go home.

After final preparations, we said our goodbye and left for manila. During our stopover at Kalibo, we had a quick nice delicious dinner and our photo taken in the valentines booth that was set-up in the restaurant. Then we went back to Manila. Where after little rest I had to go straight back to the province and straight to work.

By the time I reached the province, my bank account has been zeroed out. I even borrowed money from my sister for this trip and I needed to pay her back (Until now I haven’t paid her back yet, but I’ll find a way to soon). Then it’s back to reality.

After a few regular days of very busy work (very busy and a lot of sermons because of my vacation) Yin kept bugging me for the photos we had in my camera at that time. I finally found time to send it to him and he told me to send it via e-mail. I told him it didn’t fit in an e-mail and I’ll use dropbox instead. He then started bitching out because I didn’t do it his way. I got pissed and I reached my breaking point. I even ended up cursing at him (which I know I should not have done but I only did because I was out of words and he weren’t replying and I got really really frustrated). He ended up breaking up with me since he told me that I don’t appreciate how he tries to teach me new things when all he did was to command me to use e-mail and i tried to and it failed twice. He told me that email will be easier than dropbox even though I can accomplish the task with dropbox in 1 step and an e-mail requires 2 steps. It was really petty but he broke up with me for this. 

Today I Yin posted on how to fight proper battles on his blog… I read it… I found it unfair…

It’s sad that I always play the villain in our story… It’s sad that he feels I can’t compromise… It’s sad that I feel unappreciated…

It’s sad… I’m breaking…

 

Everybody breaks…

 

Too bad…

 

This time it’s me…

 

– Yang

February 4, 2014 ~ A Wicked Time

It’s been long since I last wrote… Sorry… Things has not been so good with work… Stress and Pressure! Immensely busy and free time is only used for rest. But let me run down on my progress on how to become less of a jerk… LOL!

Well the past week was spent very busily… Both Yin and me were extremely busy. Rarely having the time to talk. We do message a lot. Sometimes phone calls were not possible because our schedule really did not match and he often goes out with friends after work. I do try to stay up until he gets home but I usually crash right when he does… Well I do sleep early when I know ho goes out with friends…

I did spend a weekend with Yin (January 23-26, 2014) and we had a great time. I did have a surge of jerkness during that time when plans went haywire and we were left with no agenda thus wasting a night, but Yin managed to cook something up and we ended up laughing our asses off on a local movie with some of his friends.

Then another busy week until one of the biggest weekends of our lives! Our Wicked Weekend!

Before I go straight to Wicked, I’ll first go to the setbacks of the weekend. Yes, we fought again. Yin wanted to buy board shorts for our upcoming vacation. I had already bought him the board shorts he really wanted for the trip as a small valentines day gift. I meant to surprise him on valentines since we I already had a gift for him (I’ll go further into this in a bit) and he would not be expecting a small gift on valentines eve. BUT HE WAS REALLY PERSISTENT ON GETTING THE SHORTS! LOL! I decided to go for the guilt trip approach to make him second guess buying the board shorts. This was a bad idea because it didn’t work at all, he ended up wanting to buy the board shorts more and feeling bad about me since I made him guilty about wanting a simple luxury. So I decided to give the gift early (talk about a spoiled surprise!) and just told him to wait for me before buying the shorts to stall him until I was able to give him the gift.

When we got together, we had a nice night but later on I found out that he was really upset with me. He told me that he is lacking self confidence at the moment and I should not criticize him too much at this time because it pulls him down. I admit, I had been criticizing his decisions ONLY because I am worried and I wanted to make sure he followed the doctor’s instructions with his medications (he is experiencing an allergy due to stress which he sometimes blame me for… Good Grief!) Well I guess he lacks self confidence and I should trust him with his decisions. I just hope he will not misunderstand my concern as criticism. When I finally gave him the shorts, he then told me that he feels really bad because I made him guilty over a simply luxury. Again I hoped he saw why I did it and not how I did it. We have different ways of attacking situations and it is upsetting when you get misunderstood.

We had a big fight about this. Honestly, I feel upset because all I do and tell him is for his best interest but he puts his pride above it and it f*cks everything up. All I want is to Yin’s knight in shining armor… I often turn out to be the wicked wizard who holds him back against his will. It gets frustrating. I was honestly afraid that it will ruin our big event that night…

Enough with the sad part… On to the WICKED part!

Wicked has been a musical play that Yin has been wanting to see for a very very long time. I promised to take him to watch it if it comes to the Philippines… And if it doesn’t, we will go to broadway to see it. IT CAME TO THE PHILIPPINES…! LOL! So despite some financial worries, I decided to get us tickets to the show! This is my valentines day gift to Yin.

The show we are catching was on February 2, 2014. It was spectacular! I kept getting blown away scene after scene. I was pretty sure Yin was too. Especially Defying Gravity! WOOOH! I was so happy to have fulfilled this promise to Yin. It made me so proud…… up until the play ended…

After the play, I asked Yin how he felt like now that he has crossed out another task and all I got was a,” …….. happy…..” and it sounded forced. I did not understand… and the confusion threw me off. I decided to let it go…

Well I don’t want to sound a little anti-climactic… but that was our Wicked Weekend… I guess it is a lot better than How I wrote it…

Yin, sorry if I come out as bossy and uncaring… I know that you know what I mean and I wish you would just get the good and stop seeing me as a very negative person… It hurts… And I hope you really enjoyed Wicked… I felt great being able to bring you to the play… I hope you felt great too…

– Yang

January 21, 2014 ~ Life Really Has Its Ups and Downs

Sorry I was not able to write for quite some time now… Been really busy and I just use my spare time for rest… I don’t even have time to work out anymore. LOL! no matter, I’d give you a short summary on the highlights of Yin and Yang’s story these past few days…

Wicked is coming to the Philippines! Yin’s favorite theatre play. I made a promise to him before that I will take him to see wicked if it comes to town. Honestly, things still hasn’t returned to normal in work… Still a little crazy from the recent blunders… But a promise is a promise. These are what credit cards are for… LOL! I asked him to ask his friends if anyone is planning to join us. I have waited for a few days to get a response and saw that tickets are selling fast. It turned out that Yin didn’t really asked his friends and just waited for them to approach. We had a little argument on this and he told me that his friends are not planners and no one was really willing to handle shelling out money to initially pay for everyone. This is true… Yin told me to just get tickets for the both of us. I tried to get him a ticket with my family, but he told me he would feel uncomfortable watching it with my siblings. I was not out to the family after all, plus, it will be kinda romantic to watch it alone… So I got us the tickets… I thought he will go gaga over the ticket but Yin seemed indifferent. at that time I thought he was busy so I let it slip. The next day, I immediately contacted the online ticket company to send the tickets asap as I wanted to show Yin the tickets, it wasn’t due for another 2 days and I got it that afternoon! Kudos to ticketworld for accommodating my request quickly!

We finally did that beach trip we were planning… Yin got here (where I stay) quite early. I didn’t have time to buy the flowers I was planning to buy. I guess I’ll just me earlier next time… We ended up eating at this mexican restaurant and shopping for his grandmother (who I love and miss so much) since it was her birthday. After a little shopping, we started to head out for the beach, I showed him the tickets for wicked and he still had no reaction. I got a little upset and talked to him about it, I actually forgot what he said but I just decided that this day was supposed to be fun and I should let it go, and that is what I did. Yin and I did have a little experience in the car which I will not be blogging about here. If you know who I am, just go ahead and send me a message and MAYBE I’ll tell you… *wink!

Upon getting to the beach, he wanted to eat again. Again the upset-ness came back. He kept on ordering food but he does not finish it and he kept delaying and I thought the day’s plan was to lounge in the beach relaxing (Honeslty, I think finances are another reason why I got upset since I’m not doing very well with finances and work right now). We had a different idea on how the day should progress. I lost control and acted out a little. Surprisingly, we ditched all his ideas on how the day should go and just decided to do it the way I wanted. I was so happy!

We decided to lounge in the beach and played with sand. It was really cold so we didn’t really do a lot of swimming, just a lot of lounging. We destroyed (well at least I did) the sand castle that the other people left by the shore by pretending to be godzilla! LOL! We were playing with sand balls and decided to try making a sandman (a tropical sandy version of the cold icy snowman) which failed since the head kept cracking. We tried at least 5 times but eventually gave up when we almost had it. We used our promise rings as sandman bun (yes, our sandman had hair tied in buns) but I almost lost my ring when the head suddenly collapsed. We spent quite some time feeling the sand trying to look for my ring. We found it and I was so relieved. We then we lounged some more by the beach and made another memory that I can’t blog about again here. LOL!

Night fell and we just spent hours talking about ideas and exchanging thoughts on several topics. It was so long ago since we were able to talk like that. It was nice. We had a light dinner and eventually went back to town. We tried to catch a late movie but the tickets were sold out. WOW! Haven’t seen that in a while. We just decided to eat again before he went home.

After eating, I brought him to the bus terminal and we said our goodbyes. It was nice, the day felt complete. Nothing was left hanging. It was sad that it had to come to an end. These are the times when I can truly say that life and love are beautiful.

Then I returned to reality. Again facing a grueling life in the office, enduring sermons and taking responsibility for things that are not yours to take care of. Life truly has its ups and downs…

Yin, I can feel my old self coming back already. Getting upset over the littlest things and feeling high at the sign of your “lambing”. Please bear with me a little longer. I have been exhausted these past few days and I hope you stay patient with me as I completely recover the old petty sweet person that I was before. I love you so much…

Looking forward to more lazy afternoons with my <3…

– Yang

January 13, 2014 ~ Extremely Tired and Overwhelmingly Happy

The past couple of days were again extremely busy… I had 14 hours shifts and crazy crazy incidents. So I had no time to feel tired and the days just practically tore off.

Last friday, January 10, 2014, Yin was not really feeling well. I decided to ask him not to come here and just rest. I then, against all odds, managed to pull some strings such that we were able to go to the city, meaning I can go sneak off and see Yin even for a short period of time.

January 11, 2014, Saturday, came and I rushed everything at work so that we can leave early. I then have to fulfill some promises I made in exchange for going back to the city. I hoped everything ends early so that I can run to Yin as early as I can. Apparently, traffic was way worse than expected and it was already 9pm when I managed to reach Yin.

Upon reaching yin, he was doing better. Their internet was down and since I arrived later than I expect, we didn’t have much to do. Well I guess you know what happens when there isn’t much to do. LOL! We then spent the rest of the night snuggled in bed watching Witches of East End until Yin started becoming agitated. I think I know how he feels… Wanting to go out and do something but knowing there is nothing there that you want to do. He then told me that he was hungry. We could have went out to go eat somewhere, but I forgot that it was a weekend and establishments close a little later. Plus I drove the whole day and was really tired and my back is killing me (#uglysignsofageing)! We ended up ordering fast food and just staying home. At around 1am, Yin started drifting to sleep as he was again starting to feel woozy. We then re-snuggled in bed and called it a night.

January 12, 2014, I had to leave at around 6am despite how physically tired I was. The reason is I had some more things to accomplish as a condition to going to the city. So I drove again from 6am to 7pm and my back was again killing me. Yin’s connection was still faulty so communication was scarce but it was present. I decided to get a massage to cool down. Yin’s connection came back right after my massage and we were able to talk briefly before I went to sleep at around 11pm. He had trouble with his younger sister, I did my best to offer my opinion, although I didn’t know if it was wanted. LOL! He also finally managed to finish downloading his latest series so I also wanted to let him enjoy watching it.

So that was the past days. They were so jam packed that I wasn’t able to find the time to update this online diary. To sum it all up, I am currently extremely tired and overwhelmingly happy…

Yin, thank you for being extremely understanding these past few days. I know you are a bit disappointed with how brief and how unproductive my visit was, but I look at it as a chance for me to be with you while you were recovering. Lazy as it seems, it did serve it’s purpose. I hope you continue resting and hope you feel a lot better before going to work later! I love you and I’ll see you again pretty soon… Let’s go spend a warm romantic afternoon by the beach…! #excited!

– Yang

January 10, 2014 ~ A Breather

Work was hectic today, but it was bearable… Lots of paperwork and tons of meetings…

A couple of friends visited me during lunch, they said I was always a no show so they decided to show up. They had lunch and I had a quick chat with them to catch up. I resumed work right after, it was a nice break.

I payed attention to details as much as I could today, and I think Yin appreciated that.

When I got home, Yin was already at work, so we were only able to FaceTime for a brief moment. We just updated each other on how we were. Yin was a little busy and he was a little woozy so I didn’t push and let him do what he needed to.

At dinner, we agreed to eat together so I cooked my dinner and called Yin. He was not yet ready to eat and asked me to eat ahead. I offered to wait but I thought it was weird to make him eat alone in front of his iPad so I just ate alone. LOL!

It was like this all night and I catched up on my series. Everything went ok today.

I hope all days are as smooth as this.

Yin, this was what I was trying to tell you. even though nothing special happened today, it was made special by just knowing you are there and that we have each other no matter how far apart we are. I’m sorry I can’t be there to take care of you when you are a little under the weather. I hope you’ll be fine or at least better tomorrow!

Oh! and P.S., I love you…

– Yang

January 9, 2014 ~ Shut Down

Yesterday was a big confusion. I performed terrible at work… No means to contact Yin. I could not focus… I did seek help from some friends, asking them what I should do and what the heck is wrong with me.

Around lunch time, Yin finally unblocked me and sent me a message. He told me about him not meaning to hurt me, he just wanted to point out how the details count. I went back to my sentiment saying that yes his message was not hurtful, but how he delivers it is. We fought and argued until we were both tired and again called a truce.

The moment he unblocked me, I made sure to pay attention to details. Telling him where I am, what I was doing.

Hah! my work suddenly became efficient, the heaviness disappeared. I was even able to do yoga at peace.

Upon arriving home, I immediately initiated FaceTime and we planned the transfers and the details of our approaching vacation together. I was happy and even asked him to wait for me so that we can eat dinner together (although I was planning on not eating since I ate before yoga and I am on a diet! LOL!) and we did eat dinner. We talked until we ran out of topics for the night. That was when it all went downhill again.

He started bringing up the things I did this morning and the people I talked to. Yes, he hacked in to my facebook account and snooped around. I messaged my friends because I wanted to talk to someone because I was so alone. When I finally assured him that all of this were friends, he then started bringing up my mentioned indiscretion. I then asked him to ask his friends how they thought on the relationship, and his friends agreed with me, and that made him more upset. I tried to reassure him saying that what i did was indeed hurtful but I am trying to make up for it. Again I tried to remind him of all the wonderful things that I do to make him feel loved, taken care of and special, that was when it all crashed.

He called me to tell me why he feels like I FAILED him during the bank and money incident (see January 7, 2013 ~ A New Start). My heart passed out right then and there, unable to take any further beatings. My brain started to step in. I dropped the call turned off the lights and prepared for bed. He kept hounding me telling me I am immature and that I should accept his calls. He told me that I should “Calm My Storm”. I told him why do you impose on me something that you cannot do yourself. I was trying to reassure you the whole night, telling you to settle down, to be mature about things and that he should “Calm His Storm”. Everything suddenly felt ironic and I thought I should call it a night.

He apologized. For me, he kept on beating my heart with an iron stick over and over and over again asking him to take it because he was at fault and when my heart finally passes out on the brink of death, he apologizes. I felt like that behavior was unacceptable.

I turned my mind off and tried to sleep. After an hour of trying to sleep, I thought what happened does not change the fact that I did hurt him and that I should still apologize since it does not matter how he behaves, it does not change the fact that I am at fault. So I grabbed my phone and apologized. I told him that I’m sorry and that I am trying to fix things. He finally accepted and we called it a night. I went straight out after that.

Yin, I know you’re hurting and I know it’s because of me. I’m sorry that I can’t give you your fairytale ending but I assure you I can give you what is real. It may not be fireworks and giddiness all the time, but I assure you that you will be safe, secure and happy. I am sorry that I lost control of the hulk that is residing inside me last night. I love you, and I am terribly terribly missing you.

– Yang